Broad Recognition: » Sex Column

Dilemma Emma: Browsing History Mystery

Dilemma Emma — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 11:03:23 +0000

March 14, 2012

Dear Dilemma Emma,

Recently, my girlfriend asked to borrow my computer, only to find several porn links in my browser history–nothing particularly raunchy, but still–and asked me for an explanation. It was clear to me that she was upset, and not wanting to make things worse I lied and said that I didn’t know how they got there. Obviously, this was a flimsy excuse, and I don’t believe she bought it, but the matter dropped pretty quickly.

What bothered me about the situation was less that my girlfriend disapproved of my porn habit–certainly within her rights–but that I felt compelled to lie about something so trivial in the first place, and in such a silly and unconvincing way. If the action or idea of watching porn doesn’t make me feel especially ashamed, why when confronted with the links did I feel it necessary to disavow any knowledge of how they got there? My GF and I are pretty open in discussing almost all other facets of our sexuality, and so I find it a bit puzzling why porn, exclusively, made me feel it necessary to be dishonest.

Sincerely,
Pants on Fire

Dear PoF,

Ah porn prowling– the path to many a flimsy lie. Why? Because our interactions with porn are a part of sexuality that we don’t discuss. It’s easy to ask a friend or partner about sex they’ve had with real, live people. Perhaps I’m in the minority, but I get pretty intimate details about my friends’ sex lives. For example, “She actually growled a little bit, like an animal, and then I came.” Or even, “He rubbed his sweaty feet on my vagina. It was fucking gross.” In the right context, many of us offer these intimate details of our sex lives without much provocation. We do this because it feels good for loved ones to know about and acknowledge these experiences. We are reassured when people we care about don’t reject the sexual experiences we have had.

Once it comes to seeking out prepackaged, manufactured stuff of arousal (PORN), we shut up. But why do we do this? What’s so embarrassing about porn? The problem isn’t porn, per se, but rather our relationship to porn. A browser history full of porn is a record, an instant replay, of a poor approximation of what turned us on once in the social vacuum of masturbation. Porn allows for zero evolution or interplay. Porn is not a plastic, passionate, journey. Enjoying porn is one of the only static sexual experiences we can have. It requires our nebulous desires to become concrete and limited.

Another problem with porn is that we seek it out, accept it, or reject it for reasons we wouldn’t seek, accept, or reject sex with others. That is, we choose porn based on a moan, a uniform, a piercing, or a kink that may be attractive on the screen, but not with other humans. Very possibly, we might like to watch fucked up fucking (something “particularly raunchy,” however you define that). I’ve written before about politically problematic sexual interests. If you feel unsettled by some of your own sexual desires, chances are that their bastardized manifestations in porn trouble you even more. Perhaps you lied because you feared your girlfriend would assume that this is the extent of your desires. Perhaps you feared she would question its departure from your living, breathing sex life. How scary to think that our fantasies could be reduced to a browsing history. If anything, we would need an annotated bibliography of porn sites, explaining the function of each text within a masturbatory foray and contextualizing them within ever changing lust.

At the end of the day, your girlfriend didn’t find an annotated bibliography. She found a misleading window into your masturbation that was finite and lackluster and maybe a little disturbing. You didn’t say where you want to go from here. Do you want to come clean about the lie? Do you want to rally for greater honesty in the future? In either case, my advice is to put porn in its place. Remind yourself (and possibly your girlfriend) that porn does not represent the full complexity of your arousal. Allow yourself to move on from whatever interaction you have with a certain pornographic image, story, or video as you move through your desires.

You are more than your browsing history, kid. You’re a sexual snowflake that the internet can’t hold down.

Love,
Emma

Dilemma Emma wants to hear from you! Anonymously voice your concerns or questions. Questions will be answered every week and will remain completely anonymous. Send them over to yalebroads@gmail.com.

Dilemma Emma: Does Poly Ever Work?

Broad Recognition — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:49:36 +0000

By DILEMMA EMMA

January 28, 2012

Dear Dilemma Emma,

I am a queer woman. I love men, I love women. I am in a long-term relationship (LTR) with a cisgendered dude right now. We’re really in love, and I don’t often feel sexual urges towards other people. Yet, I can’t help but feel alienated from the queer community, and from women sexually. I am wondering what the deal is with polyamory, and how we might begin that conversation? Does poly ever work? I don’t want to go the rest of my life without having sex with a woman! but I also don’t want to leave my partner. Can you help me?

Yours,
Have Her Cake and Eat It

Dear HHCAEI,

Polyamory does work. I’ve seen it happen and it is a beautiful, open armed love. In fact, I think that you have touched on one of the situations in which polyamory is most successful. It sounds like you want a female partner in addition to your male partner because there’s something concrete that your male partner can’t give you: he can’t be a woman for you (unless s/he can, which is a separate, wonderful matter).

What kind of a relationship would you want to build in addition to the relationship with your primary partner? Do you want something friendly? Something raunchy? Something casual? Something all-consuming? Something private? Something public? Or some combination of these things? Pin down exactly what you want, so you don’t give the impression your desire is vaguely for “something else.” When you say “I want something else,” chances are that your partner is going to hear, “I want anything but you.” Be specific, think about boundaries, and prepare to have a few conversations. It can also be good to remind your partner of all the reasons that you love him and want to be with him, the reasons he will always be your #1, and what that might mean when a #2 is involved for the first time.

I’m not going to lie: the polyamory conversation is rarely easy, and not all paths lead to lady love. But my suggestions are simple: be specific, be honest, be kind, and be open to your partner’s thoughts and feelings.

There’s one more question in your letter. You want to know what it means to be queer when you’re not having sex with women? Ask a 12 year old lesbian. But seriously, it means surrounding yourself with people who support your queerness. It means queering heteronormative spaces. It means complicating the gay mainstream. It might mean having queer sex with your male partner, however you might define that. Unfortunately, it means you may be the focus of some queer women’s pain from being objectified by straight women. It’s going to mean being disbelieved. You may be called an attention-seeker, a slut, a hasbian, a sellout, a freak, or any multitude of other thoughtless rejections. But that’s gay life, man. It makes you beautiful.

Good luck. I’m rooting for you and your partner(s).

Love,
Emma

Emma Dilemma: Dangers of Breath Play?

Broad Recognition — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 16:55:54 +0000

By EMMA DILEMMA

January 17, 2012

I’m a young dyke living the good life. I’ve recently started doing new and wonderful things in bed with a lovely new someone I’ve been seeing for a couple months. Recently she asked if she could make me gag by putting her fingers down my throat and if I could choke her when we’re fucking. We tried it this weekend, and it was sexy and fun and I love turning her on so much. It feels so special and hot to fulfill her fantasies. Afterward, though, I got a little concerned about the risks of choking her, and I got to wondering if their are risks in her making me gag.

I started looking up information online, but it felt like a negative dejavu in the sense that when I looked up information on anal (rimming, fucking, etc) safety a few years ago, I found so much information that was just blatantly incorrect. Worse still, a lot of the “information” was fear-mongering and/or shaming. Can you hook me up with some solid, specific, and safety- and fun-oriented information on the risks of making someone gag and choking? The more information the better, because I want to make sure neither of us gets hurt.
Some specific things I’d like you to address (but if there are more things to address, please share!): risk of cardiac arrest (what?!) during “breath control play;” if light choking and “breath control play” are different (and if so, what are the risks of light choking?); what’s the deal with possibly damaging “sensitive neck tissue” that I’ve heard about (or is this hogwash?)?; possible risks associated with light gagging (losing gag reflex?); and if there are risks associated with heavy gagging, maybe until throwing up.

Thanks,

Strong-Hands Homo

Dear SHH,

Your sex sounds hot. I think it’s great that you guys are trying new things, and I’m also glad to hear that you are looking into the safety of living out your fantasies. Breath play is one of those topics that sex positive people keep coming back to, wanting to endorse it but not being fully able to. I can sympathize with the frustration of looking for reliable information on rimming and other anal play on an Internet that is simultaneously butt-obsessed, anti-butt, and homophobic. Most of that anal sex information is “hog wash,” as you say.

However, I think that a lot of coverage of breath play is cautious for good reason. Unlike rimming, people die from breath play every year. You don’t want to mess with that, and sex gurus more established than I (Dan Savage for one) consistently warn against breath play. Oxygen deprivation stresses out your heart, that’s a fact. I want to say, “ask your doctor,” because I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice. If you have a sex positive doctor who doesn’t envision sex as primarily a method of reproduction, ask your doctor. Many of your questions are extremely medical, and I’m not qualified to answer them. I play doctor at home, but not in my articles. However, I can offer some advice within the limited range of my expertise.

I don’t know how extreme your choking is. If you are actually preventing your partner from breathing, I feel like a less intense alternative might be warranted. One way to enjoy the control and thrill of breath play while maintaining a safety valve for the dangers is to limit breath by a signaling when your partner is and is not allowed to breathe, rather than physically preventing her breath. That is, place a hand gently on her throat, without pressure, and have her hold her breath until you remove it. Or, use a code word for when breath is allowed. This way, you are in control of her breathing, but should she need to breathe, she will do so automatically.

So far as gagging goes, is your partner limiting your ability to breathe? The only risk I can conceive of to gagging is vomiting on the bed sheets, but people who put penises in their mouths take this risk relatively consistently. If your partner is cool, vomit shouldn’t be that big a deal. I don’t think that you are really at risk of losing a gag reflex, or frequent vomiting would preclude the ability to vomit in the future. Not only that, talented givers of blow jobs would die from tragic gag-related accidents every year. This doesn’t happen. Feel free to gag on whatever you want, so long as you are not in danger of losing consciousness and you never lose the ability to end the gagging should it overwhelm you.

I want to say “go ahead, rock that choking” but I can’t. Breath play is pretty serious. You don’t want to choke your girl out. You don’t want to be responsible for hurting her seriously. You certainly don’t want to be responsible for her death! So, I would alter the play a little bit to include a safety valve. Signal when she is allowed to breathe, but only that. She can submit to your restrictions on her breathing, but if she needs to breathe, there are no physical barriers.

Keep living that good life, and keep challenging shame in information about sex online.

Take care,

Emma

Dilemma Emma: Getting Facials

Broad Recognition — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:30:38 +0000

By DILEMMA EMMA

December 9, 2011

Dear Dilemma Emma,

I like porn as much as the next girl and I’ve always been kind of curious about facials [editor’s note: a facial is the act of ejaculating on someone’s face or having someone ejaculate on your face]. My boyfriend really likes porn, too, and I have fished around in his browsing history enough to know he’s not averse to facials. The other night, during sex, I asked him if he wanted to cum on my face and he said OK. When he came, I got really into it and kind of surprised myself by how dirty things got– open mouth, tongue action, all that stuff. But when I opened my eyes he was looking at me with this deep disgust that I had never seen before. We are in a loving relationship, and I have never seen him look at me with such disdain or rejection before. It was one of the most horrible moments I have ever had in bed. I felt totally violated, not by the come but by the way he clearly saw me in that moment. I was so angry I couldn’t speak, and to make it worse, the semen really stung my eye and it was hard to clean off of my face. We talked about it and I told him how I felt, and he apologized profusely. But I still feel numb when I think about the experience and the violence of the way he looked at me.

Was I wrong to suggest such a demeaning sex act? How can I expose myself to him if I know he might react like that? How can I heal our relationship from this? And what does it mean about the way he sees me? Or all those girls in the porn videos?

Sincerely,
Jizzed on and Jilted

Dear JJ,

It’s good to hear that you are following up on fantasies. It sounds like you are committed to mixing things up with your partner and you communicate without shame about your own desires. However, in this case, it sounds like you didn’t communicate with your boyfriend about his desires. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I do know that you can’t make assumptions about people’s kinks from the last 3 seconds of the porn videos in their viewing history.

Sex acts that are viewed as “demeaning” are usually things you need to really talk about with a cool head, not when you are riding your partner into the sunset. The taboo associated with some sex acts is complex. Taboo can make sex shame-inducing, hot, campy, boring, fun, funny, or some combination of all these things. And sometimes we are comfortable with some sex acts in our fantasy world, but not in our relationships. Maybe your partner gets off on facials in computerland but likes to keep them far away from his relationship with you.

So, I don’t think it was wrong to suggest a “demeaning” sex act, nor do I think that facials have to be demeaning. It can be totally loving to receive your partner’s come like that, no holds barred. If everyone is into it, I see no problem and I commend you for your bravery. I also want to interject that you have mucous membranes in your eyes, so you want to make sure that your partner has been tested for STI’s before getting semen in there. Same goes for mouth! These acts are lower risk than penile-vaginal penetration, but there’s still a possibility of transmission of chlamydia or gonorrhea or even HIV. Get tested often, and don’t risk it with a partner who hasn’t been tested him or herself.

Now, how do you heal your relationship from this traumatic event? You have to talk to your boyfriend again, with a clear head and some kindness. I would start by genuinely opening up the space for him to talk. Try to be open-ended: “What was it like for you to come on my face?” or “How are you feeling about the other night when we decided to try a facial?”. You might even want to apologize for springing something so intense on him in the moment, especially if you have put most of the weight of the facial on him in previous communications.

The numbness you describe sounds deeply painful. I’m sorry you went through that. No one deserves to feel so discarded by a loved and loving partner. Make sure that he hears that pain and can really meet you without getting overly defensive. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve to have your boyfriend demonstrate his respect for you at all times. But ultimately, it sounds like his respect for you is not really in question.

Chances are that his disgust was actually more self-directed than anything else, and you were wounded in its path. Whatever you saw in his reaction to that moment had very little to do with you, and a lot to do with the cultural and psychological quagmire that is porn. If you feel safe opening up about your feelings, your fantasies, and porn, try to make him feel safe, as well. It might be healing for both of you. It sounds like you aren’t doing away with porn any time soon, so you’ve got to commit yourself to contextualizing it in a way that feels good to you and your loved one(s). I think you can do it.

Be well,
Emma

Emma Dilemma: Friend or Foe?

Broad Recognition — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:01:49 +0000

By DILEMMA EMMA

December 2, 2011

Dear Dilemma Emma,

I have just gone through a very difficult 6 months with my girlfriend. We broke up three times, but every time we got back together I felt like we had grown through the breakup. She did some hurtful things that led to each breakup, but I know that our relationship is now stronger than ever. She wrote me the most beautiful letters after our last breakup, and she is really growing. I know that she loves me and that we can make our relationship work. She is really trying to be a good girlfriend, and I have never felt this way about another woman. I am so in love with her that I can’t even explain it.

The problem is that my family hates her. I guess they’ve seen all the pain that she’s caused me, so I can understand. She did things like deny that we were dating to her friends. She also spent a weekend at her ex-boyfriend’s house without telling me, and she told me to leave her alone on her birthday while she hit on other people. But I now know why she did those things. She was going through a really difficult period. But my family won’t listen to me try to explain. My mom is understanding, but I feel like I can’t talk about my girlfriend to my sister at all. She just gets really short-tempered and kind of insulting.

How can I convince my family that it’s good we’re back together? How can I convince them that she actually has changed? I might marry this woman some day, what then?

Sincerely,
Family Full of Foes

Dear FFF,

You don’t convince your family that your girlfriend has changed for the better. You can’t, nor should you necessarily take her word for it. The only way that your girlfriend will be accepted by your family is if she actually demonstrates that she is ready to be a mature, kind partner to you. Coincidentally, this is the only way that you should continue this relationship. Her previous actions sound not only hurtful, but deeply disrespectful. Breakups often inspire a surge of regret, nostalgia, and clarity that historically makes for great writing. But no matter how verbose her apologies, no matter how eloquent her promises of reform, hold your shape until those words are backed up by actions. Perhaps she realizes what she lost, but still isn’t capable of being a good partner. Perhaps she is just afraid of being alone. Either way, you cannot continue a relationship that is full of such disrespect. You should not let her back into your life until she has demonstrated that she is capable of participating in a new relationship.

Your entire letter focuses on this girlfriend, but you never once mention your own participation in the partnership. One person may initially cause the dysfunction in a relationship, but it takes two to resuscitate it multiple times. Why do you run back to this relationship that has died so many deaths? Do you worry about never finding love again? Don’t: many fish, big sea, etc. Are you excited by the ups and downs of these breakups? If so, perhaps your family is more angry with you than with your partner. If they have supported you through multiple heartbreaks and lent sympathy for all the ways she wronged you, perhaps they are starting to recognize that the girlfriend is not the only problem.

How could you improve this relationship? Start by taking some responsibility for its success or failure. You need to really examine the way you conduct yourself in this relationship and you need to change that behavior. Your girlfriend is not going to change if you stay the same. Change the terms of the relationship or accept its demise.

It sounds like this is a very meaningful relationship for you– you say it’s the first time you’ve felt “this way.” Is this your first long-term relationship? If so, maybe you are having a hard time seeing the reality of the problems you face. However, often a true breakup is the only way that you can understand who the relationship made you, and who you want to be in future relationships. I mean that you must truly sever those ties, taste the loss of the relationship, and seeing yourself and your partner for who you were.

You can see I, like your sister, am not a fan of zombie relationships back from the grave. However, if you can truly create a new relationship with your former girlfriend, I would be pleased to be proved wrong. I expect your family ultimately just wants to see you happy. Now get off your butt and take real steps to make that happen.

Yours,
Emma

Dilemma Emma: Sex after Sexual Assault?

Broad Recognition — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:37:05 +0000

By DILEMMA EMMA

November 15, 2011

Dear Dilemma Emma,

I just started seeing someone I’m really interested in. However, this is my first foray into dating since being sexually assaulted. I haven’t told him about the assault, because we’re still in the early stages of what might be a relationship.

At this point in a relationship I’m usually having sex, but I don’t feel like I can do it. I’m generally really attracted to him, but the idea of him being turned on gives me a visceral feeling of disgust. I just feel like his desire would be kind of overwhelming right now. I worry that having sex with him might bring back bad memories of the assault. I want to broach the topic, but I’m not sure how. In the mean time, I feel like I’m sending really mixed messages. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Mixed Messages

Dear MM,

Do not have sex with your new love interest right now. The worst thing that you could do in this situation would be to have a sexual encounter that would, in essence, feel like an extension of the assault. The fact that your partner’s arousal disgusts you suggests that a lot of your feelings about the assault are entering into your feelings about sex with him.

I know that you want to get back into the swing of things, to be your old self who might have established sexual intimacy earlier in relationships. But trying to just have sex like you “normally” would is a denial of strong messages that your body and psyche are sending you. You need to listen to yourself and try to work some of this out.

If you feel like it’s too soon to give him extensive details about the assault, remember that you have total control over the information that you give him. You could choose to tell him that you had a negative sexual experience. You could be as vague as “I’m not ready” or “I’m going through some stuff right now, but I hope you’ll stick around.” Keep your ears open, too. Not everyone is worthy of hearing this information about you. If he comes back with something that has even a whiff of blame in it, get the hell out of dodge.

It’s possible that you, like many women, retain feelings of guilt or confusion about the role you played in the assault. Especially in cases of date rape, or when the rapist was known to you, it’s possible that you were told you wanted it, or that you brought it on yourself. It’s relatively common to internalize some of this poisonous language, even if you rationally know it to be false. When you choose to speak with loved ones about the assault, watch out for the rapist’s logic creeping in. This can be one of the most disturbing after-effects of rape. It is deeply violating to accidentally persuade someone you trust that you were at fault for your rape. Remember that no matter what that creep might have said, the assailant is always responsible for the assault.

This assault is going to inform your sex life going forward. I’m not saying that you will always fear flashbacks so intensely, or that your partner’s arousal will always inspire that “disgust” that you mentioned, but you will likely have a more complex relationship to sex going forward. Communication is important not only to establishing intimacy with your current and future partners, it’s important to finding a way to rationalize and process your feelings of what happened.

Especially so soon after the assault, you can’t afford to have sex without communication. Talk to him, test the waters, and see if he’s worth trusting with anything more.

Love,
Emma

Dilemma Emma: Ink Stinks

Broad Recognition — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 05:57:30 +0000

By DILEMMA EMMA

November 8, 2011

Dear Emma,

I have a horrible tattoo. It’s a purple Dave Matthews Band symbol on my lower back, just left of tramp stamp territory. I got it when I was 16, and have thankfully changed a lot since then. I think Dave Matthews Band is kind of dumb, but I have some good memories about that part of my life and I don’t really mind the tattoo now. It was an important phase for me.

My current boyfriend hates the tattoo. I love having doggy style sex, but he avoids it because of the tattoo. He’s casually brought up the idea of getting it removed a few times, which makes me think he might be serious. We’ve been dating for a couple years, and I guess it’s possible that we will be together forever. He has also talked about how much I will regret the tattoo when I have kids and have to explain it to them. I think me might be talking about his kids, too.

Should I get it removed for him? I don’t like it that much and it’s important to him.

Sincerely,

Ink Stinks

Hey Ink,

Short answer: shake up your boyfriend a little bit and don’t get rid of the tattoo. If it really is a part of your life and your development, and he loves you dearly, then he should love the history of your development, as well. We can’t pick and choose the parts we love about our partners– otherwise, most of us would be dating wildly incomplete people. Just as you would balk at your boyfriend asking you to get breast implants or botox, you should call him out on asking you to go through a painful physical transformation that you don’t really want in order to get the tattoo removed.

You say you don’t care about the tattoo, but I think you do. You acknowledge that it represents an important part of your youth– even if you “don’t like it that much” aesthetically, it sounds like you like it in another sense, whether that’s nostalgia, or a road mark for how far you’ve come, or a silly memento.

His comments about tattoos being inconsistent with motherhood might do well with some airing out: what? Before you decide whether or not you’ll be with him “forever,” you should talk to him about his narrow understanding of motherhood. Why would the woman he loves need to change, or cover up her past, in order to become the mother of his children?

Similarly, his refusing to look at a part of your body during sex is messed up, especially if it’s getting in the way of your pleasure. If I were you, I would be pissed. It’s a rejection of your body and your past, not to mention sexually dissatisfying. Let him know that that’s not going to stand. You deserve all the doggy style sex you want.

Tattoo removal, like orthodontic braces or getting a mole removed, is one of those cosmetic surgeries that is relatively free of taboo. Nobody is going to wag a finger at you for buying into a “superficial” surgery. As a side note, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with cosmetic surgery that is truly desired and meditated upon. I do object to pressuring someone to change his or her body. Your boyfriend may not think of the tattoo removal as a “big deal,” but he might think differently once you remind him that the tattoo is a permanent part of your body now, just like your nose.

Don’t get your tattoo removed for your boyfriend. Your body is more than just a beautiful object (or a future mother!). Your body is a story. Unless you desperately want to, don’t erase a piece of your past because it’s no longer aesthetically pleasing. You can tell that to your kids. Tell it to his kids, too.

Love,

Dilemma Emma

Dilemma Emma: Feminist Rape Fantasies?

Broad Recognition — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 23:27:39 +0000

By DILEMMA EMMA

October 26, 2011

Dear Emma,

I feel really gross about this, to the point where I haven’t told my closest friends. But, I like to be held down during sex. I know that rape fantasies are “common,” but I guess that as a feminist I feel like I should have some kind of control over this. I work really hard to live my life in a way that advances women’s rights. How can I do that when I find violence against women (or at least this woman) arousing?

Sincerely,

Recreational Victim

Dear RV,

There’s a lot in your short letter! You say you’re excited by being restrained, but then you bring up rape fantasies, and violence– these are all separate issues. Rather than parse out your specific kink, I’m going to try to address the common theme: your sexy time is in conflict with your politics. I’m sorry you’re so torn up about this, but try to let your sexual fantasies be a place where you cut yourself some slack. You are not going to undo women’s suffrage by getting your jollies.

Part of feminism is a recognition that sex is, partially, about power. Does power disappear from our sex just because we’re feminists? No. Nor are you the only one who inverts her politics in the bedroom. I know couples who queer it up big time on the street, but get very heteronormative or femme/butch in the sack. And many people, even smart, feminist men and women, have rape fantasies. Maybe sex “should” be about free play on an equal field, but that’s normally not realistic. We all have our baggage, and leaving it outside of the bedroom is next to impossible. Nudity, penetration, couplings, pleasure, risk of STI’s– in short, sex– is very, very charged. It shakes out our deep desires– the ones that don’t come from book learnin’. Instead, these desires are a crazy mash-up of our psyches, our societies, and our kinks. Don’t be surprised if that cocktail doesn’t taste like utopia.

You are a feminist for some reason, and it’s probably more than political– it’s probably personal. You are preoccupied with sexual power dynamics, so it’s not surprising that they play into your fantasies. Now, it might be more politically palatable to you if that meant you got off on your partner dressing up like Gayatri Spivak and discussing intersections of postcolonial and gender oppression. But as things lie, even the flip side of that dialectic– the oppression to which your feminism responds– can be toyed with in the bedroom. Such play may even bring to light existing power inequalities in your relationship, or restrictive gender dynamics you didn’t recognize before. This could be upsetting, but it could also be somewhat healing. I believe there’s value in opening yourself up to these fantasies, rather than trying to shame them out of existence. A controlled, consensual betrayal by your partner– mock rape, brutal language, or play with pain–could release the accumulated tension from the traces of these dynamics that may already permeate your relationship.

Of course, you need to think about psychological and physical safety, and I am not an expert on either. I can stress the importance of communication– before, during, and after all sex, but especially psychologically challenging sex. You need to be clear on what you and your partner want, you need to know that you can stop the action if it goes off course, and you need to make sure that you are engaging with someone who is ready to work through the aftermath with you.

Beforehand, you should talk to your partner about your desires when you have your clothes on, you’re sober, and you can really hear each other. If you can’t do this, find a partner with whom you can. In terms of safety basics (apart from protection against STI’s and pregnancy), I would recommend getting a book on BDSM. Also, don’t engage in this kind of sex unless you’re sure you have someone to process it with– whether that’s your partner, a friend, a psychologist or (God bless you) your mom. Make sure you seek out those resources and can keep this experience positive. If you find you are having a lot of trouble working through this sex, you might want to stop. Sex should be positive overall.

I get why this feels “gross”. If you gave up your power in class, at work, or in your friendships, your identity would change. You would worry about the example you were setting, and whether you were participating in a harmful paradigm. But sex is private, and can therefore be much more subtle. This is not about a slogan or setting an example for a passing girl scout on the street. As long as you and your partner are kind and respectful in the big picture, you can pretend to be mean or disrespectful in the little picture. Playing with power can be sexy, and even radical. Just take good care of yourself and your partner, and prepared to get support if something goes awry.

Yours,

Dilemma Emma

Introducing New Column: Dilemma Emma!

Broad Recognition — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 20:01:23 +0000

By DILEMMA EMMA

October 16, 2011

Dear Dilemma,

I’ve been out as a lesbian for a long time. Let’s just say I came out before I got my first bra. I had some bad experiences with straight women objectifying me early on in my dating history.   I recently fell pretty hard for a woman. Only later did I find out that she not only identifies as bisexual, she has also never had a relationship with a woman (but has dated many men).   I’m not sure if she’s worth the drama, and I’m worried she’s a straight girl in queer clothing. Still, I can’t shake my interest in her. Am I being too quick to drop a fellow queer? Or am I right to be cautious?

Prepubescent Pride

Dear PP,

I have a friend who likes to say that all straight girls should experiment—but only with one another. However, this has the potential to be something more mature than experimentation. You might be throwing the babe out with the bathwater, and you can’t know until you get a little closer. That involves a bit of an emotional risk. Ultimately, the question is not whether or not this woman is 100% queer (I mean, can we ask that question?). The question is whether or not you can trust her to be straight with you (no pun intended).

What makes you think she’s a straight girl? Does she present the same way in all of her communities, or does she “put on” her queer with you and hide her light under a bushel elsewhere? Is she aware of these fluctuations, and do they come from social maneuvering, insecurity, or inconsistency? I’m not suggesting you police her gender, but keep an eye out for these cues.

As a wise and seasoned lesbian, you may or may not remember that coming out can be messy and painful. Additionally, coming out as an adult brings an entirely different set of challenges than coming out as a “prepubescent.” This woman is changing a pretty developed personal image. She’s probably dealing with anger and incredulity from others, and some from herself. If you choose to develop a partnership with her, you’re signing up for that process, too. You could participate as a friend, but playing gay guide will probably get pretty old if what you really want
to do is date her.

I would say that you’re right to be cautious. However, if you feel like this woman is worth the trials of a first queer relationship, throw the girl a bone. It could mean that you two are free to create a queer relationship from square one. It could be that you both discover things about
your gender and sexuality you didn’t anticipate. It could be that she dumps you for another girl. Ultimately, only the two of you can figure that out.

–Dilemma Emma