Emma Dilemma: Dangers of Breath Play?

By EMMA DILEMMA

January 17, 2012

I’m a young dyke living the good life. I’ve recently started doing new and wonderful things in bed with a lovely new someone I’ve been seeing for a couple months. Recently she asked if she could make me gag by putting her fingers down my throat and if I could choke her when we’re fucking. We tried it this weekend, and it was sexy and fun and I love turning her on so much. It feels so special and hot to fulfill her fantasies. Afterward, though, I got a little concerned about the risks of choking her, and I got to wondering if their are risks in her making me gag.

I started looking up information online, but it felt like a negative dejavu in the sense that when I looked up information on anal (rimming, fucking, etc) safety a few years ago, I found so much information that was just blatantly incorrect. Worse still, a lot of the “information” was fear-mongering and/or shaming. Can you hook me up with some solid, specific, and safety- and fun-oriented information on the risks of making someone gag and choking? The more information the better, because I want to make sure neither of us gets hurt.
Some specific things I’d like you to address (but if there are more things to address, please share!): risk of cardiac arrest (what?!) during “breath control play;” if light choking and “breath control play” are different (and if so, what are the risks of light choking?); what’s the deal with possibly damaging “sensitive neck tissue” that I’ve heard about (or is this hogwash?)?; possible risks associated with light gagging (losing gag reflex?); and if there are risks associated with heavy gagging, maybe until throwing up.

Thanks,

Strong-Hands Homo

Dear SHH,

Your sex sounds hot.  I think it’s great that you guys are trying new things, and I’m also glad to hear that you are looking into the safety of living out your fantasies.  Breath play is one of those topics that sex positive people keep coming back to, wanting to endorse it but not being fully able to.  I can sympathize with the frustration of looking for reliable information on rimming and other anal play on an Internet that is simultaneously butt-obsessed, anti-butt, and homophobic.  Most of that anal sex information is “hog wash,” as you say.

However, I think that a lot of coverage of breath play is cautious for good reason.  Unlike rimming, people die from breath play every year.  You don’t want to mess with that, and sex gurus more established than I (Dan Savage for one) consistently warn against breath play.  Oxygen deprivation stresses out your heart, that’s a fact.  I want to say, “ask your doctor,” because I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.  If you have a sex positive doctor who doesn’t envision sex as primarily a method of reproduction, ask your doctor.  Many of your questions are extremely medical, and I’m not qualified to answer them.  I play doctor at home, but not in my articles.  However, I can offer some advice within the limited range of my expertise.

I don’t know how extreme your choking is.  If you are actually preventing your partner from breathing, I feel like a less intense alternative might be warranted.  One way to enjoy the control and thrill of breath play while maintaining a safety valve for the dangers is to limit breath by a signaling when your partner is and is not allowed to breathe, rather than physically preventing her breath.  That is, place a hand gently on her throat, without pressure, and have her hold her breath until you remove it.  Or, use a code word for when breath is allowed.  This way, you are in control of her breathing, but should she need to breathe, she will do so automatically.

So far as gagging goes, is your partner limiting your ability to breathe?  The only risk I can conceive of to gagging is vomiting on the bed sheets, but people who put penises in their mouths take this risk relatively consistently.  If your partner is cool, vomit shouldn’t be that big a deal.  I don’t think that you are really at risk of losing a gag reflex, or frequent vomiting would preclude the ability to vomit in the future.  Not only that, talented givers of blow jobs would die from tragic gag-related accidents every year.  This doesn’t happen.  Feel free to gag on whatever you want, so long as you are not in danger of losing consciousness and you never lose the ability to end the gagging should it overwhelm you.

I want to say “go ahead, rock that choking” but I can’t.  Breath play is pretty serious.  You don’t want to choke your girl out.  You don’t want to be responsible for hurting her seriously.  You certainly don’t want to be responsible for her death!  So, I would alter the play a little bit to include a safety valve.  Signal when she is allowed to breathe, but only that.  She can submit to your restrictions on her breathing, but if she needs to breathe, there are no physical barriers.

Keep living that good life, and keep challenging shame in information about sex online.

Take care,

Emma

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